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OLD AGE HUMOUR: Remember these Old Man Jokes?

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know...the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

*** Old Man Jokes #2 ***

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

*** Old Man Jokes #3 ***

Morris, an 82 year old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said doc, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

*** Old Man Jokes #4 ***

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

*** Old Man Jokes #5 ***

An old couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" replies his wife.
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"

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SOMETHING SILLY: The Banana Test and the Broke Old Lady

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock at the door one day to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning", said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" piped the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" said he. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

THE BANANA TEST

There was a very, very tall coconut tree and four animals, a lion, a chimpanzee, a giraffe, and a squirrel, who pass by. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully. Try and get it within 30 seconds.

Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis.

If your answer is:

  • Lion = you're dull.
  • Chimpanzee = you are a moron.
  • Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
  • Squirrel = you are just hopelessly stupid.

A coconut tree doesn't have bananas!

Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax, banana brain. Try again next year.

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HUMOUR: Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy

BOB is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, that was sponsoring a 'worst job experience' contest.

Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.

A Jellyfish Bad Day

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the ocean is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my arse started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my arse was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my arse.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed onto the boat, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my arse was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Whenever you're having a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

Have a good day.

Your brother,
Jellyfish Bob

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HUMOUR: The U.S. Marines - Awww yeeaah!

A marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. The letter read as follows:

Dear John letter

Ricky, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, sisters, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his fellow marines. There were 57 pictures in total that went in the envelope … along with the following note:

Dear Becky letter

Marines - the few the proud

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MEN VS. WOMEN: What goes through our minds when ...

Thank God if you're a man when someone says let's go for a drink ...

Let's go for a drink

What goes through your mind when someone says "let's go for a drink"

Someone needs to go for a pee ...

Needing a wee

What goes through your mind when someone needs a wee

Someone meets their 'true love' ...

Meeting the opposite sex

What goes through your mind when meeting someone of the opposite sex

Thank God you're a man! :D

Best Happy Friday post yet: If historic people had Facebook

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