JUST FOR FUN: Girls versus Grown Women

Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits.

Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.

Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.

Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown women revel in it-using it as a time for personal growth.

Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown women ignore the bad guys.

Girls make you come home.
Grown women make you want to come home.

Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown women know that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.

Girls try to monopolize all their man's time.
Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends.

Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.

Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.

Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown women know that that was just one man.

Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.
Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back-and move on, without bitterness.

Girls will read this and get an attitude.
Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends.

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SARCASM: An illustration

SARCASM:- "A sharp, bitter, or cutting expression or remark; a bitter gibe or taunt." More contemporary definitions often emphasize the false, mocking praise and verbal irony of sarcasm rather than its malicious or scornful intent. However, the etymology of the word "sarcasm" clearly indicates that wounding was (at least historically) the primary point. The word comes from the late Latin sarcasmus, derived from the Greek sarkasmos ("a sneer, jest, taunt, mockery") and sarkazein ("to speak bitterly, sneer"--literally, "to strip off the flesh" or "to bite the lips in rage"). - Sarcasm Society

An illustration of sarcasm

“It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.”
- Paul Newman

An illustration of sarcasm

“History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.”
- Abba Eban

An illustration of sarcasm

“How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.” - Groucho Marx

An illustration of sarcasm

“Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.” - Ashleigh Brilliant

An illustration of sarcasm

“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.” - Groucho Marx

An illustration of sarcasm

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” - Oscar Wilde

An illustration of sarcasm

“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” - Mark Twain

An illustration of sarcasm

“I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?” - Jean Cocteau

An illustration of sarcasm

“I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.”
- John Cleese

• More sarcastic quotes at www.sarcasmsociety.com

Related Post: An illustration of irony

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MEN VS WOMEN: At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

WE always hear of 'the rules' from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our Man Rules! Please note: these are all numbered '1' on purpose.

The Man Rules

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. So sayeth the Man Rules.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely ANYTHING you wear is fine... Really.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days. NB Man Rule.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have NO idea what mauve is.

Thank you for reading our Man Rules. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

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EMPLOYMENT TEST: The lady, friend, lady and car dilemma

YOU are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about all your life.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think about it before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS...

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered, "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside the Box.'

However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

Don't you just love happy endings? :)

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HUMOUR: Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy

BOB is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, that was sponsoring a 'worst job experience' contest.

Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.

A Jellyfish Bad Day

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the ocean is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my arse started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my arse was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my arse.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed onto the boat, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my arse was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Whenever you're having a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

Have a good day.

Your brother,
Jellyfish Bob

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