ENGLISH LANGUAGE: Asylum for the verbally insane

Unfortunately the author of this clever poem on the English language is currently unknown. Nonetheless, here's a quick look at the lunacy of the English language.

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is neither egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guineapig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writer's write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham. Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English, should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. So if Father is Pop, how come Mother isn't Mop? And that is just the beginning - even though this is the end.

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CAPE TOWN: How slavery has influenced Cape cuisine, architecture, language and Cape Town traditions

by Niki Moore

IT would be irresponsible to ignore our most significant events in decades, even in a travel column. So this week’s effort is about the universal franchise – or rather, the lack of it.

One group of South Africans never had a vote, never had any freedom at all, and yet their contribution to our society has been priceless. These are the slaves of the 17th century Cape Colony.

The Western Cape has its unique character because of slavery. There are still reminders of slavery around Cape Town: the Slave Lodge in Adderley Street (now a museum), the Slave Stone where slaves were displayed prior to being sold, the Slave Tree where they waited their turn to go on the block. But their influence goes much deeper than physical relics.

Slavery: A brief history lesson

The very first consignment of slaves arrived at the Cape on the ship Amersfoort on March 28, 1658. They had been captured by the Dutch from a Portuguese slaver that was on its way to Brazil, filled with captives from Angola. This was the first of only three shiploads of slaves from Africa. The Dutch East India Company (VOC) controlled the Cape and had extensive holdings in the East Indies. It therefore made sense for slaves to come from Indonesia and Malaya. And they did – thousands of them. Within 50 years of the establishment of a victualling station at the Cape, slaves outnumbered free men.

For 176 years (until slavery was abolished) the economy of the Cape depended on slaves. They worked in homes, on the farms, in shops and factories, on building sites. Officially, almost 7 000 slaves were brought to the new colony on VOC-sponsored slave ships, but many more arrived with Dutch East India officials returning home from Batavia. Because the Netherlands outlawed slavery, the officials sold their slaves in the Cape before embarking on the last leg of their return voyage home.

Slavery: The life of a Cape slave

A slave’s lot was not a happy one. If they survived the journey (an ‘acceptable’ casualty rate for slaves was 15%), they died of overwork and malnutrion, torture and mistreatment. Many committed suicide. The hardy ones existed entirely at the whim of their masters – punished harshly, executed, married off or sold willy-nilly.

It is hard to think that anything good can come out of such sustained human misery, but amazingly, the Cape has some reminders of slavery that are testaments to the resilience of the human spirit.

Slavery and Cape cuisine

Slaves were cooks and kitchen staff, and they had a huge influence on Cape menus. Our national dishes such as bredie, koeksisters, bobotie, sosaties and tameletjie (toffee) all have Malay influence. C. Louis Leipoldt – a writer and keen cook – was the first Afrikaner to recognise and formalise Cape cuisine, a mixture of East and West.

Slavery and Cape architecture

Initially slaves only did menial work, but as slave populations stabilised they were trained in skilled occupations. Slaves were taught to build houses in the Dutch style, but they introduced many little Eastern flourishes in the ornate stone pediments and ornamental gardens. The Castle, Groot Constantia, Vergelegen and Simonsig were all built by slaves.

Slavery and Cape slang

It is believed that Afrikaans developed as a ‘kitchen-language’ – a simplified form of Dutch that slaves learned in order to communicate with their Dutch-speaking masters. Proof of this, perhaps, is the fact that the first Afrikaans was written in Arabic script. The language is also enriched by many Arabic words such as piesang (banana), bredie (stew), baklei (fight), soebat (to plead).

Slavery and slave names

There are a surprising number of people who (whether they are aware of it or not) are descended from slaves. A dead give-away is the name. Slaves were always given names by their owners. Unimaginative people would choose an easy name such as the month in which the slave was bought (Februarie, September). Names of Roman heroes such as Cupido or Hannibal, biblical names such as Moses and Solomon, or whimsical names describing some attribute such as Fortuijn (if the slave was expensive), Witbooi (if they were light-skinned), or from their region of origin such as Basson, Claassen, or Snyman, were also popular choices.

Slaves were Muslim and introduced their religion into the daily life of the Cape. The Cape Peninsula is ringed by 20 kramats, or holy sepulchres, that have fulfilled a 250-year-old prophecy that a ‘circle of Islam’ will be formed around Cape Town.

Slavery and Cape slave traditions

Some current traditions in Cape Town date back to the days of slavery. On the Prophet Mohammed’s birthday women cut up orange leaves in the mosques. This slave tradition, known as ‘rampie-sny’, is unique to Cape Muslims.

The most enduring relic today is the Kaapse Klopse, or Tweede Nuwe Jaar. The slaves got this one day a year off, perhaps because their masters were too busy recovering from hangovers to need their services. Annually, on January 2, the descendants of slaves take to the city streets with bands and dance. The bright street parades and music are a joyous celebration of life over adversity. It's a custom as unique to Cape Town as the noon gun and the flower-sellers on Adderley Street.

Now wasn't that Quite Interesting ?

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GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: DID YOU KNOW …

General knowledge enhancers: Entertainment:

1. The first couple ever to be shown in bed together on
   prime-time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
2. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33 (she would topple over)
3. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
4. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
5. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
   Spades       -    King David
   Clubs          -    Alexander the Great
   Hearts        -    Charlemagne
   Diamonds -    Julius Caesar

General knowledge enhancers: Food & drink:

• Coca-Cola was originally green.
• Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
• Nearly all lipstick contains fish scales. Yeech...
• A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
• Bubble gum contains rubber.
• Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
• Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.

General knowledge enhancers: Numbers:

1. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
2. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111
   = 12,345,678,987,654,321
3. A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
4. All the numbers on a roulette table add up to 666.

General knowledge enhancers: Language:

• The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
• Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
• First novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
• "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
• The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. (Read about the origins of more English phrases here).

General knowledge enhancers: People:

1. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
2. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
3. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
4. The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad.

General knowledge enhancers: Famous people:

• Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.
• Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.
• Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured iced water over his head. And he was rather deaf.
• Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

General knowledge enhancers: History:

1. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
2. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

General knowledge enhancers: Vehicles:

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong.

In Tokyo, a bicycle is faster than a car for most trips of less than 50 minutes.

Now you know everything :-)

• Want to learn more? Check out my Quite Interesting page. It's 100% free!

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You can read the first part to this series here

SHAKESPEAREAN PHRASES: Origins of some of his most popular phrases

ACCORDING to one of those more educational DSTV adverts, the average person has a vocabulary of 10 000 words – 15 000 if you’re really smart. It also says that Shakespeare takes the cake with a vocab of 29 000 words. Exclamation!

The playwright was also the founder of a copious amount of English phrases and gives new meaning to what it means to become famous after you die. Quite ironic for a dramatist I thought.

On that note I thought I would do a little tribute post to the man we were all forced to study in High school. We may have hated him back then, but now we should appreciate his contribution to the English language.

So, at one fell swoop here are the origins of some of the more commonly used Shakespearean phrases:

Shakespearean phrases: 1. As dead as a doornail

My brother and I used to use this one quite a lot when we were young. I’m not entirely sure why, but I recall him using it adaptively to call me “as dumb as a doornail.” Anyway, the meaning behind this one is quite clear.

Doornails are the large-headed studs that were used in earlier times (14th century) to strengthen doors. Fitting doornails involved hammering them through and bending over the protruding bit. The ‘deadness’ refers to the un-usable-ness of inanimate objects, which is what the doornail became after a good hammering.

Shakespearean phrases: 2. Fight fire with fire

We use this one today to refer to attacking someone with the same means that the attackers employ – giving them a “taste of their own medicine” to use another phrase. Shakespeare did use this phrase in King John, but it’s more modern origin actually has a more literal meaning.

It was coined by 19th century US settlers and referred to actual fire-fighting. The settlers would guard themselves against grass or forest fires by deliberately lighting smaller, controllable ‘back-fires’ – a practise still done today except we now call them ‘fire-breaks.’

However, the Settlers’ fire-breaks were often unsuccessful and actually made matters worse for them and their highly flammable houses. It is said that this is where the phrase “to backfire” (i.e. to unexpectedly go wrong) originates.

Shakespearean phrases: 3. In a pickle

The origin of “being in a pickle” (i.e. a tight spot) does seem to allude to being in the actual vinegary pickling liquid what we find gherkins in today. Supposedly it would be difficult to escape if you ever found yourself in a jar of gherkins.

However, the phrase does have a more literal sense, which goes back to England’s greatest naval hero Admiral Nelson – who was literally picked in a barrel of brandy after a musket ball took him out.

Shakespearean phrases: 4. Tapping the Admiral

The above story makes reference to a related phrase I know of but am not sure whether it’s an urban myth or not.

Although the majority of sailors who died at sea were simply thrown overboard, seamen of higher rank (such as the captain, his first mate and admirals) were preserved in barrels of brandy.

After several months at sea, several members of the crew would discreetly sip away at the brandy with the bodies in them, using tubes of pasta as straws – a saying that became known as “tapping the admiral.” When ships finally reached the shore the cargo crew would often find these barrel-coffins completely empty. Yummy.

Shakespearean phrases: 5. Makes your hair stand on end

Shakespeare’s phrases and writing conjured up vivid imagery in the minds of the now well-deceased English people, and continues to have a grand affect on our imaginations today. Some literary exerts posit that no image better illustrates the sensation of one’s hair standing on end than a fretful porcupine.

The phrase is rather literal however, and refers to the actual effect of one’s hair (especially on the back of the neck) standing on end due to the skin contracting as a result of cold or fear. Chilling.

Shakespearean phrases: 6. Wear your heart on your sleeve

The meaning of wearing your heart on your sleeve is to display your emotions openly. You might remember this one from Shakespeare’s masterpiece Othello.

This rather strange phrase is said to derive from a middle-aged custom of knights wearing the colours of the lady they were supporting during jousting matches. They would wear a cloth or ribbon in the colour of their fair maiden around their arms before galloping towards impending pain or victory.

Shakespearean phrases: 7. Wild goose chase

The first use of “a wild goose chase” is referenced in Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet (1592) whereby Romeo is keen to embark on a somewhat hopeless quest. We all know how that one ended.

The literal meaning that we infer from the phase today remains the same, however, its origin is more commonly thought to derive from the fact that wild geese are rather difficult to catch.

Yet there is an earlier, more technical meaning behind this phrase which refers to horse racing rather than the hunting of wild geese. A 'wild goose chase' was a chase in which horses followed a lead horse at a set distance, mimicking wild geese flying in formation. This use of the phrase became popularised 10 years after Shakespeare kicked the bucket.

Although the respected man is now gone his name and this tribute post shall live on forever. You can read about the origins of some other popular English sayings in the first series of this post linked below.

• Historical truths behind English sayings I

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ENGLISH: The history and origin of some popular English sayings

Do you ever use sayings such as “saved by the bell” or hear your grandmother squawk something like, “Heavens, it raining cats and dogs outside!” A lot of people still do yet have no idea where such phrases originate from.

I got a little history lesson the other day which explained the dark truth behind some of these popular figures of speech. I thought I’d share them with those of you who are interested in the English language. Slip them into conversation next time you’re at the pub, or tell granny what she’s actually referring to.

OLD ENGLISH SAYINGS: DID YOU KNOW…

Old English sayings: 1. Why brides carry a bouquet at weddings:

England back in the day was a smelly place to live. Most people only bathed once a year (usually in May). Thus most people got married in June because their BO (body odour) wasn’t too bad one month down the line. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide any stench.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Old English sayings: 2. “Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater!”

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had first dibs on the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last to be bathed were the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, "don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

Old English sayings: 3. “The rule of thumb”

Women had it pretty tough in the old English days. Husbands were allowed to beat their wives by law for anything that they considered to be disobedient. The only condition was the phrase "rule of thumb" (derived from an old English law), which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything thicker than your thumb.

Old English sayings: 4. “It’s raining cats and dogs”

The majority of medieval Brits lived in hovels that had thatched roofs with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip off the roof.

Hence the saying "it's raining cats and dogs."

Old English sayings: 5. Why the poor were “dirt poor”

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. Besides having bugs, animal droppings and other crap fall from the roof the floors were dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt such as thresh (straw) which was kept in place using wooden planks (hence the saying “threshold”). But for the poor it was plain dirt.

Hence the saying "dirt poor."

Old English sayings: 6. “Bringing home the bacon”

The dirt poor mostly ate vegetables that they would stew and re-stew in a large cauldron over the fire. Often leftovers would remain in the pot for days on end. However, on special days they would sometimes obtain pork, and when visitors came over they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around on their dirt floors and "chew the fat."

Old English sayings: 7. Food for thought… or possible death

• Those with a little money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach into the food, causing lead poisoning and often death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
• Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
• Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers right out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink, or chew the fat, and wait and see if the poor sod would wake up.

Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

Old English sayings: 8. “Saved by the bell”

This is a reference to boxing and quite literally means to be saved from a beating by the bell that signals the end of a boxing round. The saying does not originate from people being buried alive. However, this was not an uncommon occurance, and several people were so afraid of this happening to them, that they took measures against it - such as by tying a bell connected to a rope around their hands. Here's how the urban myth goes:

England is small – very small relative to the huge population at the time. But the death toll was high and gravediggers started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up old coffins, take the bones to a "bone-house", and reuse the graves.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 were found to have scratch marks on the inside, meaning 1 in 25 people had been buried alive. To prevent this from happening they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground, and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell.

Thus, any unfortunate drunks could be "saved by the bell!"

• If you know the origin of any other old English sayings please share them below and help spread a little knowledge!

Want more? See: Historical truths behind English sayings II

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