COMING SOON: Jacob Zuma and Julius Malema star in Bad Boys III

What you gonna do, what you gonna do when they come for you?

SA's Bad Boys: Julius Malema and Jacob Zuma

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BIBLE HUMOUR: If Noah had lived in South Africa in 2009

IN the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in South Africa, and said, "Once again, the Earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the plans, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark in sight.

"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Metro Council for a decision.

Then Eskom demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees because the Nature Conservation authorities say it will upset the balance of the local ecological system. I tried to convince them that I needed the wood to save us all from extinction - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the SPCA prosecuted me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

The traffic authorities said it would take six months after completion of the ark to plan a route to the sea. I told them also that the sea would be coming to my back yard. They threatened to have me committed.

Then the Department for Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until I had arranged and conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the BEE group on how many Affirmative Action persons I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. The Department of The Interior has insisted that I provide them with a list of the people who want to work so that they can check that they are not from the non designated group.

Cosatu say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, SARS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark!"

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The SA Government has beaten me to it."

Happy Friday! :D

Best Happy Friday post yet: If historic people had Facebook

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Why South Africa is the ideal host for the 2010 World Cup

I’ll be honest – I don’t know a great deal about soccer. I couldn’t name two players in the Bafana Bafana team. I can’t even tell when someone is off-sides during a game. However, what I do know is that South Africa is going to be more than ready to host one of the biggest events in our country’s history – the 2010 Fifa World Cup.

Our stadiums are looking good, people are practicing their smiles and our public transport systems are being jacked-up; and despite what some pessimists might say, I firmly believe that all of these will be ready in time.

I also believe that we have some of the most dedicated soccer supporters in the world. I often watch soccer matches with a mate who’s an absolute football fanatic. The excitement is contagious, and in the space of 90 minutes we have made friendly acquaintances with twenty-odd South African strangers in a pub. My verdict of such occasions is that sport is one of the most uniting forces in our country – none more so than soccer.

Today we have more reason than ever to be proudly South African and should be showing it. We have amazing sportsmen and women, unique wildlife, thriving tourist attractions, beautiful landscapes, tantalizing food and drink, films that have topped the box-office charts, art, culture, theatre, music, blissful beaches and South African sunsets – all embedded in a rich and meaningful history.

I’ve produced the following video to illustrate the truth behind these words, with the aim of instilling patriotic sentiments and warm & fuzzy feelings in the hearts and minds of all South Africans near and far. My hope is that this video will give new vigor to what it means to be proudly South African, will make foreigners to our shores in 2010 feel welcome, and will keep all South Africans positive about their country. I present the host country of the 2010 Soccer World Cup:

It’s time to shine South Africa, and shine we will.

Shine South Africa for the 2010 Soccer World Cup!

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• Dear World Cup visitors
• "Stand As One" Soccer World Cup song
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What happens when you introduce 500 volts to the rear end of a horny black rhino - A factual account by Wilbur Smith

The Electrician and the Horney Rhinoceros

THE plight of the Black Rhinoceros is, of course, due mostly to the value of its horn and the ferocious poaching that this engenders. However, a contributory factor to the declining rhino population is the animals disorganised mating habits.

It seems that the female rhino only becomes receptive to the male's attentions every three years or so, while the male only becomes interested in her at the same intervals, a condition known quite appropriately as "Must". The problem is one of synchronisation, for their amorous inclinations do not always coincide.

In the early Sixties, I was invited, along with a host of journalists and other luminaries, to be present at an attempt by the Rhodesian Game and Tsetse Department to solve this problem of poor timing.

The idea was to capture a male rhino and induce him to deliver up that which could be stored until that day in the distant future when his mate's fancy turned lightly to thoughts of love.

We departed from the Zambezi Valley in an impressive convoy of trucks and Landrovers, counting in our midst none other than the Director of the game department in person, together with his minions, a veterinary surgeon, an electrician and sundry other technicians, all deemed necessary to make the harvest.

The local game scouts had been sent out to scout the bush for the largest, most virile Rhinoceros they could find. They had done their job to perfection and led us to a beast at least the size of a small granite koppie with a horn on his nose considerably longer than my arm.

The trick was to get this monster into a robust mobile pen
which had been constructed to accommodate him.

The Electrician and the Horney Rhinoceros continued...

The Pursuit of Happiness

With the Director of the Game Department shouting frantic orders from the safety of the largest truck, the pursuit was on. The tumult and the shouting were apocalyptic. Clouds of dust flew in all directions, trees, and vegetation were destroyed, game scouts scattered like chaff, but finally the Rhinoceros had about a litre of narcotics shot into his rump and his mood became dreamy and benign.

With forty black game guards heaving and shoving, and the Director still shouting orders from the truck, the rhino was wedged into his cage, and stood there with a happy grin on his face.

At this stage, the Director deemed it safe to emerge from the cab of his truck and he came amongst us resplendent in starched and immaculately ironed bush jacket with a colourful silk scarf at this throat. With an imperial gesture, he ordered the portable electric generator to be brought forward and positioned behind the captured animal. This was a machine which was capable of lighting up a small city, and it was equipped with two wheels that made it resemble a Roman chariot.

The Director climbed up on the generator to better address us. We gathered around attentively while he explained what was to happen next ...

Enter Electrician

It seemed that the only way to get what we had come for was to introduce an electrode into the rhino's rear end, and to deliver a mild electric shock, no more than a few volts, which would be enough to pull his trigger for him.

The Director gave another order and the veterinary surgeon greased something that looked like an acoustic torpedo and which was attached to the generator with sturdy insulated wires. He then went up behind the somnolent beast and thrust it up him to a full arms length, at which the Rhino opened his eyes very wide indeed.

The veterinary and his two black assistants now moved into position with a large bucket and assumed expectant expressions. We, the audience, crowded closer so as not to miss a single detail of the drama. The Director still mounted on the generator trailer, nodded to the electrician who threw the switch and chaos reigned.

In the subsequent departmental enquiry the blame was placed squarely on the shoulders of the electrician. It seems that in the heat of the moment his wits had deserted him and instead of connecting up his apparatus to deliver a gentle 5 volts, he had crossed his wires and the Rhino received a full 500 volts up his rear end.

His reaction was spectacular. Four tons of rhinoceros shot six feet straight up in the air. The cage, made of great timber baulks, exploded into its separate pieces and the rhinoceros now very much awake, took off at a gallop.

We, the audience, were no less sprightly. We took to the trees with alacrity. This was the only occasion on which I have ever been passed by two journalists half way up a Mopane tree.

Chariots of Desire

From the top branches we beheld an amazing sight, for the chariot was still connected to the Rhinoceros per rectum, and the director of the game department was still mounted upon it, very much like Ben Hur, the charioteer.

As they disappeared from view, the rhinoceros was snorting and blowing like a steam locomotive and the Director was clinging to the front rail of his chariot and howling like the north wind which only encouraged the beast to greater speed.

The story has a happy ending for the following day after the director had returned hurriedly to his office in Salisbury, another male Rhinoceros was captured and caged and this time the electrician got his wiring right.

I can still see the Rhinoceros's expression of surprised gratification as the switch was thrown. You could almost hear him think to himself. "Oh Boy! I didn't think this was going to happen to me for at least another three years".

- The Electrician and the Horney Rhinoceros by Wilbur Smith

Best Happy Friday post yet: If historic people had Facebook

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SA NATIONAL ANTHEM: It's as easy as ABC

NANDO'S has done it again with a controversial advert relating to 2010. It goes something along the lines of "buy some family chicken value meal and get the lyrics to the South African national anthem absolutely free!"

A nice incentive I thought.

Then they completely ruin it by saying, "so even as a white person you too will feel right at home." WTF!? That a) assumes that white South Africans don't know their own national anthem and b) that white South Africans shouldn't already feel at home in South Africa. Jerks.

Anyway, here's a much more controversial-friendly, and very easy way to learn the SA anthem if you don't know it already. You'll see that it's as easy as ABC.

Learn the National Anthem the easy way

Peace.

Related Post: New ABC Alphabet for Kids

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