HAPPY FRIDAY: How the Internet really started

WELL, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the true story ...

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.

It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS). She also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Macabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did he insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And that is how it all began.

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HAPPY FRIDAY: Diary of a Pomme in Northern Kariba

August 1
Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Chawara , Northern Kariba. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 1
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper - no blasted rain like back in London!

September 15
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me! Another scorcher today, but I love it here. It's Paradise!

October 1
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than we expected.

October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days off work. What a dumb thing to do... Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

October 20
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
This wind is such a bastard. It feels like a giant f*cking blow dryer and it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged R800 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from f*cking JHB... The wife & the kids are complaining.

October 30
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the f*cking air conditioner. House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. Bloody R2 million house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the f*cking air-conditioner fixed. It cost R4000 and gets the temperature down to around 35 degrees. Stupid repairman. Bloody thief!

November 8
If one more smart bastard says "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to f*cking throttle him. Blasted heat! By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my f*cking clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat. This godforsaken place is the arsehole of the Earth!

November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car. I thought my f*cking arse was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my sweating arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat. F*ck this place!!

November 10
The weather report might as well be a f*cking recording. 'Hot and sunny.' Hot and sunny.. hot and f*cking sunny. It never f*cking changes! It's been too hot to do anything for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. What the hell!?

November 15
Does it ever rain in this damn place?? Water restrictions will be next, so my R5000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the f*cking flies! You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

November 20
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 f*ckin' degrees today! Now the air conditioner in my car decides to pack up (not that it was having much of an effect). The repair man came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" I wanted to shove the f*cking car up his arse. Anyway, had to spend the R6000 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick. F*cking KARIBA!! What kind of sick, demented f*cking idiot would want to live here!?

December 1
WHAT?!?! The FIRST day of Summer?!?!? You are f*cking kidding me!!

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Old Man Jokes FTW!

OLD AGE HUMOUR: Remember these Old Man Jokes?

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know...the one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.

He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose! What's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

*** Old Man Jokes #2 ***

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

*** Old Man Jokes #3 ***

Morris, an 82 year old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said doc, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

*** Old Man Jokes #4 ***

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

*** Old Man Jokes #5 ***

An old couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" replies his wife.
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast?"

*** More Old Man Jokes ***

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SOMETHING SILLY: The Banana Test and the Broke Old Lady

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock at the door one day to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning", said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" piped the old lady. "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" said he. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

THE BANANA TEST

There was a very, very tall coconut tree and four animals, a lion, a chimpanzee, a giraffe, and a squirrel, who pass by. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree. Who do you guess will win? Your answer will reflect your personality. So think carefully. Try and get it within 30 seconds.

Got your answer? Now scroll down to see the analysis.

If your answer is:

  • Lion = you're dull.
  • Chimpanzee = you are a moron.
  • Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.
  • Squirrel = you are just hopelessly stupid.

A coconut tree doesn't have bananas!

Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax, banana brain. Try again next year.

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HUMOUR: Dear *blank*

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely, Unicorns

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch!
Sincerely, The Titanic

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realise that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that!
Sincerely, Logic

Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely, Canada

Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely, Anonymous

Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely, Spiders

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely, Google

Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely, Michael Jackson

Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely, BP

Dear Justin Bieber,
Ariel would really love her voice back.
Sincerely, King Triton

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely, 1985

Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely, Jack

Dear Taylor Swift,
If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.
Sincerely, Shakespeare

Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely, That Little Triangle

Dear Soccer Fans,
B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!
Sincerely, Vuvuzelas

Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely, God

Dear Rubik's Cube,
Done!
Sincerely, Colorblind

Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I. Can't. Breathe.
Sincerely, Your Balls

Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?
Sincerely, Leonardo DiCaprio

Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed

Dear Sleeping Beauty,
I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man. All you had to do was wake up.
Sincerely, Mulan

Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely, Toast

Dear Edward,
I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.
Sincerely, a stake

Dear Prince Charming,
You've got some explaining to do!
Sincerely, Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty

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