HUMOUR: This is a column by writer Morty Storm that was published in the Toronto Star in 2001. It's a really funny read. Enjoy!

** More Happy Friday Posts **

KG DAY JOKE: Weight loss program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes, a skimpy skirt covering her naughty bits, and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company again and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me”.

Well, he’s out the door after her in a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.” “Absolutely, ” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years!”

The next day there’s a knock at the door ... when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine.”

He lost 33 kilos that week.

** More Happy Friday Posts **

HUMOUR / JOKE: The naughty nun and the cab driver

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me," said the cabbie, shyly. The nun responds: "Well, let's see what we can do about that:

#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "Okay" the nun says rather excitedly. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, says the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess", sobbed the cab driver. "I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun takes a deep breath and says to the driver with a grin, "That's okay. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party."

** More Happy Friday Posts **

VAMPIRES: The new super, superheroes as seen in Twilight

HYPE over the Twilight movie has spread like a global cancer, resulting in teenagers worldwide dressing like vamps and pissing off the Goth kids. Needless to say I finally watched the film to see what all the fuss is about.

It seems that vampires are the new favourite among the superheroes. It’s easy to see why considering they have super strength, super speed, super olfactory senses, can see into the future and have super baseball skills. What's more, they are immortal for Buddha’s sake!

That’s more than Superman, Batman, Legolas and Hiro Nakamura put together! That’s just showing off. To top all this talent, they drive hot cars and have been blessed with good looks. They may as well fly! Deer murdering vegetarians.

Billy Burke – the true hero of Twilight

The real hero of Twilight
The real hero of Twilight in my opinion is definitely bitching Bella’s dad with the cool tache – Billy Burke - who risks his mortal life every day as chief of police while simultaneously raising a confused teenage daughter. Big ups to Billy Burke! We like him.

I did also like the underlying war between the red skins, vampires and pale faces as foretold in the Native American scriptures. It would have been nice if they had explored that a little more ...

The whole immortality thing
I just have one question to pose to any Twilight fans regarding immortality. If Edward what’s-his-face has been 17 all his life, does that mean his foster ‘dad’ has been in his late 30s or 40s for his immortal duration on Earth? How did he age?

There seems to be a whole flaw regarding immortality and aging. The older vampires seem to have gotten a raw deal while others are forever young. The same goes for those elves in Lord of the Rings.

Apparently the Twilight saga does get marginally better in the later episodes when the huffy-puffy teenagers get a bit more down and dirty. I reckon they should have just saved us from two hours of agony by getting Bella bitten nice and early so she would become a super-hero vampire and could elope with Edward what’s-his-face to live a happy blood-sucking life forever. No?

Anyway. Nuff said. Here’s something I think all non-fans of Twilight will enjoy:

Ahhh... that was great. I feel much better now :)

** More Happy Friday Posts **

I Pray for a man ... a Men vs. Women poem

A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.

I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.

- The End -

** More Happy Friday Posts **